hope and fear

I just finished reading the book "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. I read in a a few days; I literally hated putting the book down. The book is a father's account of his son's addiction to a multiplicity of drugs, in particular methamphetamine. The story is dark, painful at times, but ultimately redemptive. As the book is coming to a close, the father is reflecting on his own addiction to the constant worry and anxiety surrounding his son's well-being. Sheff reflects on why he chose to write about his story, his son's story, his family's story. Writing, he concludes, is his way of engaging with the reality of what has happened. Writing helps him work through his own addiction as well as his son's. He writes to bring clarity to their story; he recognizes that dealing with the past is the only way to move forward with hope. Although not a believer, Sheff writes about hope in the face of great fear with insightful poignance:

"Now, the children are asleep. Karen and I are in bed reading, and Brutus is running in his sleep. I put down my book and lie here, trying to comprehend exactly what it is that I'm feeling. Parents of addicts learn to temper our hope even as we never completely lose hope. However, we are terrified of optimism, fearful that it will be punished. It is safer to shut down. But I am open again, and as a consequence I feel the pain and joy of the past and worry about and hope for the future. I know what it is I feel. Everything."

There is something beautiful and redemptive about this story. While drugs and alcohol play almost no role in my life, the devastating loss of close relationships, through life circumstances or physical death, has played a major role in my story over the past year. Hope, at times, has been a nasty four-letter word. Why should I hope--what has it done for me lately? On the other hand, is there any other answer to all my mess than to hope? 

I resound with the ambivalence between hope for and fear of the future that Sheff expresses. Hope invites you into your story, it begs you to engage. Hope opens you up to experience pain and sorrow with optimism, yet going down those dark roads can be a bit overwhelming. 

Ultimately, hope, with the gamut of emotions it carries, brings redemption into our stories.