overwhelmed

If you could see my room right now, only one word would come to mind. Disaster. Utter disaster. I told a friend just yesterday that the physical state of my room is exactly what life feels like right now. A complete disaster, with my shit spewed all over the place. There's so much on my plate right now, I feel like I'm trying to eat a 10 course meal and I've only got 30 minutes to get it all down my throat. Where do I even start?

Lately, I've found myself going from laughter to frustration to anger to tears in a matter of an hour. What's going on down there, what message is my heart desperately trying to get through to my deaf ears?

So many questions, there don't seem to be many answers. How do I grieve Bebe? If I grieve well, will I forget her? If I don't grieve at all, will I still forget her? Why can't I fix my daddy and make it better for him?

Where am I going to live come June 1st when my lease runs out?

Am I going to get a job when I graduate in July? Where will it be? Who am I going to work for? Where will I live between June 1st and the start of a new job, if that job isn't in Atlanta?

What is "church," and how does it intersect with relationship? Is it possible to have "church," or community as I'd like to call it, in the absence of "religion?" If so, what does it look like?

When is "he" going to show up? In the meantime, can I just maybe go on one date? :)

Why don't I feel like myself? Why does it feel like my emotions are spiraling out of control, and every time I try to "control" them the violent mood swings just seem to get worse?

Why are anger and avoidance such comforting coping mechanisms?

Questions. Questions. More questions. At some point, there have to be answers.

[let me know, heart,

are you still beating?]

quote

The world breaks everyone,

and afterward many will be strong in the broken places.

-Ernest Hemingway

Interesting quote that has stimulated some thought recently. Thought I'd share.

psalm 13

how long, oh Lord, will you forget me?

how long, oh Lord, will you hide,

hide your face from me?

how long must I wrestle with me,

and everyday have sorrow in my heart?

look on me, Lord, and answer me

give my eyes light, or I will sleep in death.

my enemies say "I will overcome her,"

and my foes rejoice even when I fall;

I don't want to fall.

but I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me.

[i will wait on you]

midnight kisses and new beginnings

What is it about New Year's that gets everyone so excited? Why the need to celebrate so much? to be honest, I don't think I ever understood why people made such a big deal about it. What's the point in getting wasted, kissing someone at midnight while you toot your little horn, and then partying hard for the first few hours of the new year? I never understood it. Doesn't the clock strike midnight every 24 hours? What's the big deal with that one night that marks the end of December and the beginning of January? I never understood it until this year. 

Everyone is looking for a new beginning. Everyone wants that clean slate, that chance to start over and "do things right" this time around. Whether you're looking for a new "you," and new "Mr. (or Mrs.) Right," or a new outlook on life, there's something about a new calendar year that carries that hope. Last night, as I sat around a table with one of my dearest friends, I couldn't help but give a sigh of relief as the clock hit midnight. Finally, 2008 was over. I, too, am ready for a new year. I'm ready for a clean slate, in more ways than just a white calendar page. Last year kicked my ass all over the place, particularly the last 3 months, and I was more than ready for it to be over. 

I have to admit, though, that I was a bit disappointed this morning when I woke up and still felt that gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach. You know, that deep ache you feel when you're just plain worn out on life. You're sick of dealing with shit, and tired of feeling like the pile of baggage you carry around with you is more than an 18-wheeler could carry. There was something about midnight last night that made me hope for just a split-second that the end of 2008 meant the end of all the pain. I honestly hoped it meant that I could sleep easy because the burden of the past year had been lifted simply with the turning of a calendar page. 

This morning, I woke up, and was rather disappointed to find none of that was true. I wonder how many other people felt the same way.