good read

I finished A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis earlier today. Great book, wow. I picked it up a few weeks ago, and it's been so good for my heart. It's an honest account of Lewis' grief in the wake of his wife's death. While there were some sections I couldn't identify with because my loss was not of the spouse variety, on the whole the book gave a voice to much of the hurt I've felt recently. I thought I would share a passage I particularly enjoyed.

The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed--might grow tired of his vile sport--might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take your choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't. Either way, we're for it.

I'm learning that this is not a "test of my faith," nor is it an exercise in detachment where I just ascribe everything to the "sovereignty of God" and keep going about my day. This is a part of my story, like it or not. This hurt, this sorrow, is a process, is a journey. Slowly, I'm moving through it. Timidly, I'm opening my heart to be healed. For some reason, in the midst of all my bitching, all my screaming, all my anger and frustration, God hasn't gone anywhere. Why he sticks around for someone like me, I don't know that my finite mind will ever comprehend.

Dear Bebe

Dear Bebe,

It's a big month for our family, and we're all acutely aware that a key player in all the celebration is missing. Oh Bebe, you are dearly missed. My heart breaks just thinking about how much we all miss you. You would be so proud of your family, though. I can imagine what it would be like to talk to you on the phone, I can hear your voice in my ear. Since I can't call you, I'll write you. 

Emmie graduates from Samford in 9 days. You were always so proud of how hard she worked in college. You told me all the time how you thought she really blossomed in Birmingham. She graduates with a degree in Athletic Training. She doesn't have a job yet, but I know that's okay with you. She'll figure it out, and we all know she's gonna be great at what she does. Oh but Bebe, you would be so proud of her. Ruthie will be wearing your green hat that morning, so in your own way, you will be there. 

Lee graduates from high school on Memorial Day weekend. "The boys" always held a special place in your heart; you talked about them all the time. He hasn't decided where to go to school next year, but he has some options. I don't know this for sure, but I would imagine that he's graduating somewhere near the top of his class. You should have seen the prom pictures--he's so handsome, Bebe. You already knew that, though; you told me all the time how handsome you thought both of the boys were. He's going to college in the fall, and you would be so excited for him. I'll be wearing your green hat that afternoon when he graduates, so in your own way, you'll be a part of the celebration.

Will still has a year left in high school. He has a cute girlfriend--I know you would talk about this incessantly :) Like Lee, he was so handsome at the prom. You would have loved to see his bright, wide smile in the pictures. He's doing well in baseball, and he's hit his share of home runs this year (including a grand slam!). You would be so proud of him, Bebe.

Ruthie is doing well with her classes at GPC. Last fall, she made dean's list! I can hear it now, you sucking in your breath the way you did when you were really proud or excited about something. You would have shouted this from the rooftop! She's doing well back home in Atlanta, and she's really thinking about her future. You would be beaming with pride over her, I just know it.

Oh Bebe, everyone in the family misses you so much. The next month will be pretty hard for all of us; I desperately wish you were here. Mother's Day is Sunday, our first one without you. I went to Target with Sarah to buy cards for Mom and Nanny a few days ago. I read all the funny ones, looking for one that would fit you. I bought two cards for Mom instead.

I miss you so much, Bebe. As I write them, I feel like those words barely scratch the surface of what I'm really feeling. I treasure the conversations we had, the pieces of advice you gave me, the funny stories you liked to tell. You were so much more than a grandmother to me. I wish I had told you that.

You would be so proud of your precious family, Bebe. We all miss you so much, and can't wait to see you again one day. Find Shep and save us all some seats.

Love,

your Anna