overwhelmed

If you could see my room right now, only one word would come to mind. Disaster. Utter disaster. I told a friend just yesterday that the physical state of my room is exactly what life feels like right now. A complete disaster, with my shit spewed all over the place. There's so much on my plate right now, I feel like I'm trying to eat a 10 course meal and I've only got 30 minutes to get it all down my throat. Where do I even start?

Lately, I've found myself going from laughter to frustration to anger to tears in a matter of an hour. What's going on down there, what message is my heart desperately trying to get through to my deaf ears?

So many questions, there don't seem to be many answers. How do I grieve Bebe? If I grieve well, will I forget her? If I don't grieve at all, will I still forget her? Why can't I fix my daddy and make it better for him?

Where am I going to live come June 1st when my lease runs out?

Am I going to get a job when I graduate in July? Where will it be? Who am I going to work for? Where will I live between June 1st and the start of a new job, if that job isn't in Atlanta?

What is "church," and how does it intersect with relationship? Is it possible to have "church," or community as I'd like to call it, in the absence of "religion?" If so, what does it look like?

When is "he" going to show up? In the meantime, can I just maybe go on one date? :)

Why don't I feel like myself? Why does it feel like my emotions are spiraling out of control, and every time I try to "control" them the violent mood swings just seem to get worse?

Why are anger and avoidance such comforting coping mechanisms?

Questions. Questions. More questions. At some point, there have to be answers.

[let me know, heart,

are you still beating?]