change is gonna come

Change. I do not like it. We are not friends.

So much change in such a short period of time.

Graduate school is done. One of my closest friends moved across the country with her husband to start a new chapter of life in Seattle. Another friend is moving back to Charleston, another to Austin, Texas (from NYC) to take a dream job. My lease runs out in 63 days--I have to tell them by Saturday that I won't be renewing. I currently have a master's degree but no job. One offer rejected, another one basically handed to me on a silver platter just this afternoon.

Bebe isn't here to talk to about any of this.

Change, so much damn change.

I'll be honest, I've lost touch with God in the midst of it all. There's so much mess that's been brought to the surface but never dealt with. There are big decisions to be made. There's starting over to be done, with a new group of people, a new place to live, new job, new...everything, it seems. What do I tell him? What do I ask for? I don't even know where to begin...

I just finished reading Rob Bell's "Velvet Elvis." Great book, really makes you think about some things. Chapter 4 was by far my favorite--I read it three times before I moved on to finish the rest of the book. In this chapter, Bell gives a summary of a portion of his story. One part in particular has stuck with me--Bell is describing his time spent in a counselor's office, and he says the following:

And then he said, in what has become a pivotal moment in my journey, "Your job is the relentless pursuit of who God has made you to be. Anything else you do is sin and you need to repent of it."

Pursuing who God has made me to be? Relentlessly?! Intimidating, to say the least. My newly relocated friend Sarah told me about a book she's heard about (or read?) that talks about the importance of dealing with your childhood and family mess. The thrust of the book argues that you can't move forward spiritually until you have dealt with your crap.

I can't tell you how many times my family mess has been brought to the surface in my life.

Currently, I feel like I'm slamming my head against a brick wall with God.

I'm wondering if it's time to take a step closer to the mess, maybe let some of that shit hit the fan instead of hoarding it all to myself. (That's a disgusting image, isn't it?)

I'm wondering if the relentless pursuit of God and who he made me to be involves sitting down with a counselor. I'm almost certain it involves staying in Atlanta, at least for now. For me, moving is definitely a form of running from my mess.

And for me, being willing to sit down with a counselor is just one more item of change I can add to my list.